so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
