I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
