When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
