Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
