After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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