i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
