just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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