I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
