if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
