At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
