i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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