I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
