when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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