toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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