I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
