you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
