My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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