Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
