Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
