your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
