Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
