I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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