I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
