y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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