I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
