i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
