then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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