i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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