If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
