I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
