I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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