I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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