only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
