I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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