Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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