I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So squirting runs in the family.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
