If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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