I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
