Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
