Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
