I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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