she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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