My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Randomize
