I wish my penis had an off switch
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
