making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
