I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
