No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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