Can i not drive my cunt home
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
