someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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