i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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