There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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