We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
